The more I talk to her and the longer this goes on, the more I realize she never really knew me. She’s never tried to get to know me deeply. I don’t think she loved me, I think she just got used to me that’s a hard thing to learn. Of my two long term relationships, I can say I was deeply in love, but I don’t think they were. So how do you even know if the other person loves you?
We can rebuild him…we have the technology
When I was between 17 -19 years old, I made a conscious effort to change myself. Up to that point I was shy, awkward, poorly dressed, overweight, etc. I took a look at myself and decided I was not what I wanted to be so I made improvements. Now, this isn’t to say I hated myself or I was becoming something I wasn’t, I mean I was taking on my own style and improving what was already there.
Fast forward to to today. My life has taken an unexpected turn and left me to wonder who I am now. Being single again after 16 years means having to figure out what my role is. To complicate matters, I was never very good at being alone to begin with. I’m a very social animal, I crave affection and genuinely love sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences. Unlike breaking up with my high school girlfriend where we got to go our separate ways, I have three lovely daughters with my ex-wife so our lives will be connected for many years to come.
What I have learned so far:
- It takes a lot of maturity. You’re each going to move on, one probably faster than the other. You need to get used to the idea of your former lover being with another person. You can’t change it, only accept it.
- You are no longer responsible for their protection. I felt like it was my job as husband to protect my wife. I didn’t always succeed and I may have done it all wrong, but it was always my intention to prevent harm. That just cannot be the case any longer. While I think it is possible to be friends, you just cannot be there for them 100%.
- Focus on the present. I used to put many of my hobbies to the side. Having a family is difficult and requires a lot of energy and work. After coming home from a long day at work, doing some housework, maybe cooking dinner, you want to chill with the kids and spouse a bit. Before you know it, it’s time to start the bedtime routine. During all that, you can split your time but that generally means not being able to focus completely on one thing. Now, when I am alone, I can focus on my hobbies. When the kids are there, I can focus on them.
- Find what makes you happy. Now I have more free time when the kids are not with me. I had put many of my hobbies to the side as I just didn’t have the energy or focus for them. Now I am working on what I think is most important. It is also giving me something to focus on. Right now, that means picking up my trumpet again, more sewing and costuming, spending time with friends and just getting comfortable with myself.
- Identify and fix weaknesses. I am the first person to take responsibility for my actions. I don’t back down from my mistakes. However, this experience taught me I still had a lot of fear and insecurities in me. Knowing that will help me make better decisions in the future, not the least of which is staying in a relationship when I am unhappy just because I don’t want to be along.
As time goes on, I’m sure this list would be added to. Perhaps in a year, I can look back and see how close I hit the mark and if I was able to do some of the things I intend to do.
The End of a Chapter
After 15 years, my marriage is over. Not with any major fanfare or daytime soap drama, but quietly, like closing a book or putting out a candle. The decision was not entirely mutual, but it soon became that way. Mistakes were made on both sides. There was anger, sadness, bargaining, yelling and finally acceptance.
I cannot say the time was wasted. I got to be with my best friend for a while, share some amazing experiences and our union produced three of the most amazing, smart, beautiful and creative little human beings. All things must eventually end. Better not to try and hold on to that which is no longer yours. In the end, it is simply better to choose love rather than hate.
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Mary Oliver
John 8:1-11
but Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. Early in the morning he came again to the temple. All the people came to him, and he sat down and taught them. The scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in adultery, and placing her in the midst they said to him, “Teacher, this woman has been caught in the act of adultery. Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. So what do you say?”This they said to test him, that they might have some charge to bring against him. Jesus bent down and wrote with his finger on the ground.And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, “Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground. But when they heard it, they went away one by one, beginning with the older ones, and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus stood up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more.”
One of the benefits of being an atheist is that I can draw from all religious traditions. I am partial to the Jesus portrayed in the New Testament. The guy is compassionate and tried to get people to just be good. One of the most important lessons though is our need to not judge to harshly and forgive whenever possible. It is better to let go of hate and anger rather than carry it around. This is also an tenet of Taoism and Buddhism. In the case of Jesus, he simply reminds us that none of us are perfect; that we each make mistakes sometimes many mistakes, but if you can learn from it and not do it again, he’s ok with you.
What Strengthens and Weakens Our Integrity
What Strengthens and Weakens Our Integrity – Part I: Why Small Choices Count
What Strengthens and Weakens Our Integrity – Part IV: The Power of Moral Reminders
This was an excellent set of articles. Definitely worth reading.
Love…
I am love’s musician playing for joy
I comb the beard of happiness
and pull the moustache of sorrow.
When my core is touched by music
love’s wine begins to flow.
In this temple of fire my blood
is melting the snow from my body.
It is spring, it is time for action,
It is time to throw away all false pretences.
Dragged and pulled in love, I bear all the pain.
Caught in this confusion, in this bitter sweetness
I am the captive of this journey.
It is the scent of home that keeps me going
the hope of union, the face of my Beloved.
I know our fate is separation,
but until my last breath
I will search for my sweet love,
I will seek my home.
~ Rumi
Wolverine Tattoo
I finally got my big tattoo that I have been waiting on for a while. First a little background. My cousin Mike got me an X-Men graphic novel years ago for Christmas. I read through it in a hurry and wanted more. The one character I loved the most though was Wolverine. By the point I started reading, they’d released his Limited series and his monthly series was about 5 published. I picked up my Wolverine Vol. 1 #1 at a local shop in mint condition for $3.50. I tracked down the limited series pretty soon after and was my first mail order comics.
The story was one of the best and only increased my love of comics. I went on to collect everything wolverine, even his first appearance in Hulk #181. Because of my love of comics, I started going to conventions and collecting sketches in a book, volunteering and finally collecting photographs and signatures of celebrities. Conventions have shaped much of what I do for hobbies now, so it was fitting to honor the reason for all of that in a tattoo.
Why Wolverine Ltd. #1? The story set one of the major elements of his back story, specifically his time in Japan. I have always had a fascination with Japanese culture. The cover is unique in that it is not Wolverine in his more well known blue and yellow suit. More plainly, it is less “comicy”. It has also been copied many times.
I came across Clint Cummings of Sparrow Tattoo in Mansfield, just a short drive down the road. He was also featured on Ink Masters. I was drawn to his comic themed tattoos. Here was a guy that didn’t just copy from a picture, he understood the characters and knew their stories. They were important to him, so he could capture their essence. He is also a really talented artist. It took a while to get the appointment as he is in demand, but I finally made it in Saturday July 13, 2013.
The whole experience was somewhat surreal. I had to wait a while for him to draw out the design. They had “Cabin Fever” playing on one of the TVs. I could not hear the words, but the movie just looked ridiculous. It was a “horror” but mostly just gory. Something about a skin disease, which did not help. When I laid down for the tattoo, I listened to my own music for a while, but my batter started running low and it was hard to hear with their music playing as well. The music they had playing was a strange mix of heavy metal, Muse, soft rock covers, etc. Finally, the TV in front of me kept playing “reality” TV crap, but mostly some show about a pawn shop which was nothing but drama. All this, while I’m in a lot of pain.
It took a little more than four hours, but came out better than I’d hoped. Full color and with a modified background for the transition. I am really happy with the work and expect that I’d have at least one more done by him if not more at the shop.
ESTP
Took a little personality test. Looks like I keep changing. ENTJ or ENTP were what I was before.
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ESTP – “Promotor”. Action! When present, things begin to happen. Fiercely competitive. Entrepreneur. Often uses shock effect to get attention. Negotiator par excellence. 4.3% of total population.
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Take Free Jung Personality Test
Personality Test by SimilarMinds.com
The Voyager Project
A few months ago, I made some simple costume versions of the Star Trek: Voyager uniform for Halloween for my oldest daughter and myself. We also wore them to the Star Wars Fandays convention. My second oldest wanted a Star Trek uniform as well, but I did not have time to make her one, so she went as a Raven Claw student from Hogwarts. However, this did give me an idea. One that would occupy me for many hours over 5 months. The girls and me in Voyager uniforms for DCC 2013. If your interested in the details, they can be found at the Starfleet1701st forums. Suffice it to say, I took great pains to make sure these were a little more than just simple costumes. I tried to get an accurate fit, shape and color for each. I even went so far as to hand dye the division colors of the yoke and shoulder caps and have proportionatly sized comm badges made for the girls.
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| Coloring fabric |
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| All cut and ready to assemble |
The project was fun and rewarding, but very challenging. I had to learn a few new skills and techniques to get the uniforms put together and look right. I don’t anticipate doing anything quite so grand again. I want to give special thanks to Andy, Katswell and Sparky from the forum for their help in making this project possible. Their support made an impossible task possible.
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| The Girls & Me on the red carpet |
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| The Girls & Me at the USS Joshua Stargate. |
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| Fun with phasers |
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| Who you calling nerd? |