I’ve had my daughters for two weeks and two days of our extended summer. The past few months have been a little rough because they have all been sick off and on for most of this year, even to the point of my youngest needing to see a lung specialist. In the first few days, the coughs went away and have not been heard since. The first night was a hoot. The two youngest were so wound up and anxious, they couldn’t fall asleep. This general anxiety has hung on, though it appears to be getting a little better. No particular cause for it. None of the girls feel their mom listens to them. I’m sure this is a common malady between most girls and their mom, but the general perception is their mom defers to her boyfriend and his daughter more than them. All of this concerns me of course since my oldest is going into high school and my second is nearly a teen, but I don’t have a very good line of communication with their mother. It is frustrating to say this least.
So my cousin and her lovely wife Jane were at a pride parade being amazing in stilts and colorful costumes made by Regina Armenta when Jai Brooks captured this photo.
This was then turned into a painting by the talented Joan Cox.
The more I talk to her and the longer this goes on, the more I realize she never really knew me. She’s never tried to get to know me deeply. I don’t think she loved me, I think she just got used to me that’s a hard thing to learn. Of my two long term relationships, I can say I was deeply in love, but I don’t think they were. So how do you even know if the other person loves you?
After 15 years, my marriage is over. Not with any major fanfare or daytime soap drama, but quietly, like closing a book or putting out a candle. The decision was not entirely mutual, but it soon became that way. Mistakes were made on both sides. There was anger, sadness, bargaining, yelling and finally acceptance.
I cannot say the time was wasted. I got to be with my best friend for a while, share some amazing experiences and our union produced three of the most amazing, smart, beautiful and creative little human beings. All things must eventually end. Better not to try and hold on to that which is no longer yours. In the end, it is simply better to choose love rather than hate.
…to fight but it also takes two to make love. I choose not to fill my cup with anger but instead let it overflow with love.
This is the last year of my 30s. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. I have LOVED my 30s. 20s were ok, but there is the struggle to get married, get through school, get a job, get a house, get another job and get a house or two and make a family. All with little money and no sleep. After busting my rump through my 20s though, it has led to more comfortable 30s with it’s own set of challenges. I’ll get all introspective next year when I turn 40.
This past year has been pretty darn good. I’m the controller at my company, have a great boss, a loving wife, three healthy little girls and nice house and time to sit around writing journal entries. I have a good set of friends, a little coin in my pocket and drink in my cabinet. I understand who I am, what is important and the difference between problems and inconveniences. In a word, my life is blessed.
If you are reading this, you had a hand in getting me here and you are important to me. I love you and thank you.
Now…where the hell’s the whiskey? I need to celebrate.
a lover asked her beloved,
do you love yourself more
than you love me?
the beloved replied,
I have died to myself
and I live for you.
I’ve disappeared from myself
and my attributes.
I am present only in you.
I have forgotten all my learning,
but from knowing you
I have become a scholar
I have lost all my strength,
but from your power
I am able.
If I love myself
I love you.
If I love you
I love myself.